Friday, August 11, 2006


Yesterday evening,I finally got to talk to Calvin, by the time the conversation was over, we were over too :( I was kind of waiting for it to happen,he was trying to get me to do the dirty work by giving all the excuses to do so, but in the end he did it. He's been gone for more than a year now (he's in America), last time I saw him was in January and the next I might of seen him was December but that wasn't totally sure. I've managed to cope with him not being around for a year, ok I did see him twice in this year but that was 2 weeks each holiday, and coming back from those holidays was sooo hard, waving him goodbye at the airport and getting on that plane, it broke my heart.
Anyway I'll try not to get into too much detail on this because I know that anyone can read it. The reasons why he thought it would be best for us to part was because of the circumstances, basically him being away, studying not having time to keep in touch. But also because of his plans, he's got the next 5 years planned out...Job, keep studying and moving to either Asia or the Middle East. He doesn't want to inflict moving on Zarah, he says it wouldn't be fair on her, and I think that's a pretty fair point to make.
I've been praying a lot about this and asked a few people to pray for me. I know that God is totally in control of what is happening. I prayed for Him to tell me what He wants from me, what He wants me to do about this. This might sound like a dumb question but how do I know what He wants me to do? How do I differentiate between God speaking to me and what I want to do about it?
Yesterday when Calvin told me all this I thought fair enough, I was angry, sad and not up for a fight.
Today I woke up thinking I can't just let him go. Ok, he has a fair point with Zarah but that's 3 years down the line and I think that we should cross that bridge when we get to it.
Anyway all comments are very welcome, it's the reason I actually wrote this post.
I love Calvin so much and I really thought that this was it, this is with whom God wants me to be with, and even though we were so far apart I loved him and cared for him with all my heart. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, oh it soo was, but I managed with God's strength.
Ok I better go


Blogger Cat said...


I don't know you, but I know the reading people - Tim Caird, Ed Goodie, Dave Bish etc - so im not some random person!

When I read your post I was stirred to give you some advice -

1) You will know if its God speaking to you rather then yourself. If your not sure though - test it! Test it against Scripture - ask yourself whether it Glorifies you or God.

2) Wait and be still. This is such a discipline - we are so eager to do everything at once, get married, get a job, go on a mission. Yet God calls us to trust Him and sometimes we have to wait and be still in Him.

3) Pray - come before God on your knees, repent, ask for guidence and pray for an open heart to recieve it - even if its not what you expected.

4) Dwell yourself in Gods word - His truths are there - we need to fill our lives with them, be emersed in them. We need to be reminded how faithful God is and how sinful we are.

5) Focus on Jesus - pray for this guy Calvin, but lift your relationship with him up to God and place Jesus at your centre - no one else. Remember Jesus loves you and nothing can seperate you from His Love. Romans 8:35-39

Your love for Jesus must be greater then anything on this earth - even for Calvin...but as a result of this God will provide for you by His Grace!

I don't know if thats helpful, but thats what came to mind when I read your post.

Take care,

Cat xxxx

1:05 PM  
Blogger Issy said...

Thanks a lot Cat, I'm really lost at the moment. I am going to pray a lot about this and I have always lifted my relationship up to God. Will keep lifting it up to Him. I know that God has been with me all day today. He will always be my comforter.

7:11 PM  
Blogger -bb- said...

Hey Issy...

God's will and giuidance is a hard one and there isnt an answer. I feel like you sometimes-i dont know whether its me or God thats speaking...and that can get really confusing and scary.

Chat to God about your anxiety and diffiuclty over this. Ask for peace.

Often, God wants us to make our own decisions as part of our discipleship-learning to do wise things, use our reason AND our hearts etc. Of course this doesnt mean were making them on our won and we have to seek his face and guidance and sometimes he will give us answers, but sometimes he doesnt.

But never doubt how much he cares for you and wants to help in your anxiety.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Sally said...

Hi Issy,

I don't have much advice on how to tell if you're doing the right thing, but I will say that you're not alone.
I went through a difficult break-up just before Chirstmas (although in the end it was me who ended it). It was painful and confusing, but looking back I know that I did the right thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that God will give you the strength to get through this, whichever way things go, and it will become clear what should happen.
Plus, there are plenty of people praying for you.

God bless,
Sally xxx

1:24 AM  

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