madfoodscientist

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Honesty can sometimes really hurt

Sometimes I find it really hard to be honest, not only with friends and people in general but also with myself.
I was reading Ceryn's recent post "Funny that", about christians stuggling etc...Well I feel as if i've been struggling for quite some time...that fire that was once in me slowly became a tiny flame and I don't know how it happened. I remember in hope week, it was the monday, I was at small world cafe, I'd been a christian for a week or so and I was talking to the guy who gave the lunch time talks (sorry forgot his name)... he was so happy to see me overflowing with joy, with a permanent smile on my face and I remember him telling me 'I hope you always feel this way' and I hoped to...but it didn't last that long...after a massive high came a big low and the low lasted forever. I'd read my Bible, i'd pray, i'd go to church but nothing stopped it from going lower and lower until I thought 'What's the point?'. I kept going to church...but my Bible started to collect dust on my bedside table...Praying, well I tried, before going to bed, but before i'd even got into it i'd fall asleep. I felt further and further from God...it bothered me, but I felt as if there was nothing I could do...felt as if I'd tried everything.
I went through a horrible week or so where God was totally put to the back of my mind...I was doing things that went against everything I believed in...I had hurt people really close to me, disappointed them, lied to my closest friends. That week I went CU...I got there and I just felt as if I couldn't stay...I just couldn't...I felt out of place...I told Ceryn I was leaving, she asked me why and I just couldn't look at her...I was so ashamed of how far from God I had actually got, and only then that I told her the truth about what was going on. I should have turned to her in the first place...but I was too scared...too ashamed. Anyway i stayed and I felt so much better but not 100% better.
Since then I've had ups and downs...but mostly downs I think. Yesterday I was very down...today I feel as if i'm getting closer and closer to God but it feels as if i've still got more to do. I know "More?? what more..." I'm saved by Grace not by works...I just wish I could feel the way I felt the day I gave my life to Christ...I will never forget that feeling and it really upsets me that i'm not burning up inside to know more about him, to want to share the Gospel.
Sometimes I think that maybe if someone was there with me to help me through the first months of my walk with Jesus that i'd know 'What to do'. (Ceryn please don't take offence). I know that if I need help with anything there's a lot of people out there to help me but I don't really have a Christian confident...say I'm stupid but i'm sure everyone has got someone with whom they spend a lot of time with, talking about God...I want that...I want that kind of bond with someone...
Lately I feel as if i've gone back to my old ways...the way I was before I was saved...I don't like that...been praying about it and today I feel much better.
Anyway, after writing this post well, I feel upset, really just want to cry...but i'll get over it, with Gods strength...

2 Comments:

Blogger Tom said...

Hi Izzy,

Remember me and the cheese sandwiches in "missing week" 'One, ah ah ah, Two, ah, ah, ah, Three, ah, ah, ah'

Just wanted to tell you that I read about how you feel and I've felt the same fairly often at different points for different lengths of time during the 5 years that I have been a Christian.

Sometimes my relationship with God has felt a bit like I've met someone I really fancy, bubbles and excitement and lots of energy. Sometimes it has been more like my mum and dads slow and steady marriage. Romantic love can help to give us a picture of what to expect from our relationships with God. The important thing is to recognise that you will go through these stages - like any relationship. But don't let the changing sensations and experiences paralyse you into failing to do what you need to do.

You need to try to get to a lively and relevant weekly small group. If you can't find one in the evening, find one during the day. If you can't find one then start one with a couple of pals. Pray for each other and study and discuss the bible. Encourage each other to see how God is still working even though it sometimes feels like he isn't.

You need to get to church. Really try hard on this.

I think you should download and listen to some talks on computer instead of spending your time blogging so much. Put your relationship with God first and come back to blogging when that is on a more even keel.

Hope this little pep talk helps.I really liked meeting you Izzy, you are a lot of fun :)

Tom

9:45 PM  
Blogger Timmy C said...

will be praying for you dude :)

*points to prayer diary entry, named 'Issy dude'*

let me know how you are!

2:52 PM  

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