madfoodscientist

Monday, July 31, 2006

Sorry

May I please be excused for a few days?? I will not be able to keep doing my 365 at the moment, I've got so many things going on right now I just don't know where to put my head. Having problems a few serious problems that I need to sort out... I'm so scared that it won't sort out but I have faith in God and that He'll help me through this.
As soon as i've got everything sorted I'll get back to my 365, sorry it won't be back dated..i'll just pick up from where i left it.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

57/365

Zarah giving me loads of kisses and hugs....hmmm they are soo nice lol...amazing how much love she has to give!!

56/365

Watching Zarah having fun on those rides outside supermarkets..You know what I mean...amazing how they attract children those things...she just climbed onto it and said mum...money!!! Imagine what she's going to be like when she's older!!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Annoyed

Why is it that when you try to help someone, they always seem to want more?? Ok, maybe not everyone but sometimes, I think to myself, well what if I hadn't done anything in the first place...OK i'll explain where i'm coming from.
Billy, Zarah's dad, sent me a text asking for a number so that he could phone me other than my mobile number. We haven't really kept in contact and he's never been a part of Zarah's life so I didn't really want to give my home number...anyway I decided to phone him instead to see what he wanted. He asked me how I was and what i'm doing..told him about my placement and my degree and he was like wow..u're doing well...I guess he was expecting me to be really struggling and not going anywhere in life. Anyway...he even spoke to Zarah...she didnt know who she was talking to but he still heard her. He then went on to ask for a photo of her...and I said no, not now(I have really good reasons). Guess what...he got angry...and it made me think "he's got such a nerve being angry with me" After everything i've been through because of him...i've still forgiven him..i still phoned him...i still let him talk to Zarah and i still text him and he's angry with me...I keep asking the question "what would Jesus do?" But i've done everything that I can and I now I have only my little girls interests at heart...anyway just wanted to share that because it was starting to annoy me...

55/365

My aunt coming to visit to say good bye and good luck to me before I move to Reading with Zarah...receiving a present :) will use it to get Freeview:) Zarah needs her CBeebies

54/365

Spending time with a good friend on his last day in England...really making the most of the time we have left...will deffo go see him in France soon :)

53/365

Walking in the park with mum..going to get Zarah from her childminder...seeing her run around in the park having fun with her friends :)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

52/365

Do not be afraid...even though you feel that God is not there and that you are struggling on your own, He is there watching...He is walking with you
That was the main point in church this morning...and what an encouragement...close friends will know how scared I am at the moment about moving out with Zarah...I don't know what I'm scared of but I have total faith and trust in the Lord...Thank You Lord for always being there no matter what...for Your unconditional love...Your never changing love!!!

51/365

Zarah being upset seeing me ill...her letting me sleep and sleeping next to me...she's so understanding

Friday, July 21, 2006

50/365

In the night bus...falling asleep and this guy asking me if I haven't missed my stop while I was sleeping...another guy just talking to me, making me feel safer...knowing that God has got an eye on me...that He's keeping me safe..that i'm in the palm of his hand and that He is in control

49/365

Going out with Karen, her friends and a friend from Mauritius...had a good time...was nice to be out again.

48/365

Spending time with mum, gran and Zarah...4 generations on one sofa...amazing!!

47/365

Finishing moving out of the old house...

Monday, July 17, 2006

46/365

Watching Zarah push Barney in her mini pram...she looked so cute...I'm very proud of her

Sunday, July 16, 2006

45/365

Going to church....and although Zarah didn't want to stay in the creche today and although she was moaning nearly the whole way through I managed to pick up things from the sermon, listening to the things that I needed to hear...

The safe feeling I get when i'm at church...the feeling like God is giving me a huge cuddle..but at the same time a feeling of being tiny before the Lord..the feeling of not deserving his love but so grateful to have it...just feeling like I want to shout out my praise to the Lord for all that He has done in my life and yet to do...

Saturday, July 15, 2006

44/365

Going shopping with Zarah...taking her to Toys R Us...Hmmm dunno if that was a good idea or not lol.

She tried riding a bike...she looked so cute!!

Being encouraged by Tim this morning!! Gave me a big smile first thing in the morning!!

Friday, July 14, 2006

43/365

Discovering more about the Lord and loving every bit of it...

Being happy to be a Christian (dunno if that sounds right lol) but yeah walking home thinking this life is great but what's to come is going to be even better

Trusting in the Lord...

Oh and also...sorting out my feelings for Calvin...finding out for sure what I want...and knowing for sure that I love him with all my heart...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

42/365

Reading C.J.Mahaney's, Living the Cross Centered Life. Enjoying everything he writes and finding answers to some of my questions.
(Would like to thank Adrian from church for recommending this book...it's helping me a lot)

Going to watch Pirates at the cinema with my mum...enjoying spending time with her...

Talking about Jesus to this guy on MSN...wanting to say more about how wonderful and amazing the Lord is...challenging him...

Knowing that God is putting me into situations that make me open my eyes to the truth...Jesus is here with me at all times..through everything...He'll always be here...His love is never changing!!!

Confused...

Right...there's this song that I really like, well I like the tune...Today I was listening to it on the bus and I listened to the lyrics, well tried to. Didn't actually understand what he was saying so I looked it up on the net and it's just confusing lol... Anyone out there who can explain it to me hehe...oh, and sorry for the slight bad language...

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Find everybody and rule
F*** everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason
Forgive everybody and remember

For each a road
For everyman a religion
Face everybody and rule
F*** everything and rumble
Forget everything and remember
For everything a reason

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

Finding eternity arouses reactions
Freeing excellence affects reality
Fallen empires are ruling
Find earth and reap

Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Final execution and resurrection
Free expression as revolution
Finding everything and realizing

You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)

(Fantastic expectations
Amazing revelations
Finding everyone and reuniting
For everything a reason)

F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
F.E.A.R. (You got the fear)
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear
You got the fear

Fear-Ian Brown


The line that actually made me want to know the lyrics was " Finding everything and realizing ...you've got the fear" It made me think of me...how I managed to sort out everything for me to live with Zarah and now that the time is really near for me to properly move, i'm scared...really, really scared...I'm not even thinking about moving..mum just asked when I was going to Reading and I don't know :( don't want to go!!! This is me speaking...me who loves my own space!! I know i'll be fine because God is with me...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

41/365

Receiving a card from Kat :) It was so funny even now when I think of it I smile!! I love the way she always manages to make me laugh hehe...
Getting the pic we took in the photo booth thingy...6 of us were in there at the last Wednesday at the union!! It was funny!!

Getting great advice from Ceryn and also from someone I thought would have forgotten about me..Tom from Mission week :) Remembering how great that week was and how I enjoyed it...the people I met...the friendships I made not forgetting the tuna and mayo baguettes!!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

40/365

Reading Ephesians while Zarah was bouncing on the bed...seeing how amazing God is once again...how we're saved by Grace and not by works.
Being amazed by the fact that God chose me...I don't deserve his Grace but wow how thankful I am!!

Honesty can sometimes really hurt

Sometimes I find it really hard to be honest, not only with friends and people in general but also with myself.
I was reading Ceryn's recent post "Funny that", about christians stuggling etc...Well I feel as if i've been struggling for quite some time...that fire that was once in me slowly became a tiny flame and I don't know how it happened. I remember in hope week, it was the monday, I was at small world cafe, I'd been a christian for a week or so and I was talking to the guy who gave the lunch time talks (sorry forgot his name)... he was so happy to see me overflowing with joy, with a permanent smile on my face and I remember him telling me 'I hope you always feel this way' and I hoped to...but it didn't last that long...after a massive high came a big low and the low lasted forever. I'd read my Bible, i'd pray, i'd go to church but nothing stopped it from going lower and lower until I thought 'What's the point?'. I kept going to church...but my Bible started to collect dust on my bedside table...Praying, well I tried, before going to bed, but before i'd even got into it i'd fall asleep. I felt further and further from God...it bothered me, but I felt as if there was nothing I could do...felt as if I'd tried everything.
I went through a horrible week or so where God was totally put to the back of my mind...I was doing things that went against everything I believed in...I had hurt people really close to me, disappointed them, lied to my closest friends. That week I went CU...I got there and I just felt as if I couldn't stay...I just couldn't...I felt out of place...I told Ceryn I was leaving, she asked me why and I just couldn't look at her...I was so ashamed of how far from God I had actually got, and only then that I told her the truth about what was going on. I should have turned to her in the first place...but I was too scared...too ashamed. Anyway i stayed and I felt so much better but not 100% better.
Since then I've had ups and downs...but mostly downs I think. Yesterday I was very down...today I feel as if i'm getting closer and closer to God but it feels as if i've still got more to do. I know "More?? what more..." I'm saved by Grace not by works...I just wish I could feel the way I felt the day I gave my life to Christ...I will never forget that feeling and it really upsets me that i'm not burning up inside to know more about him, to want to share the Gospel.
Sometimes I think that maybe if someone was there with me to help me through the first months of my walk with Jesus that i'd know 'What to do'. (Ceryn please don't take offence). I know that if I need help with anything there's a lot of people out there to help me but I don't really have a Christian confident...say I'm stupid but i'm sure everyone has got someone with whom they spend a lot of time with, talking about God...I want that...I want that kind of bond with someone...
Lately I feel as if i've gone back to my old ways...the way I was before I was saved...I don't like that...been praying about it and today I feel much better.
Anyway, after writing this post well, I feel upset, really just want to cry...but i'll get over it, with Gods strength...

Monday, July 10, 2006

39/365

Standing in Covent Garden...waiting for a friend I haven't seen in 4 years...wondering if he still looks the same...if i'll recognise him...if we'll have something to talk about...worrying....then seeing him and having a big smile on my face :) ...nice to see him again!!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

My Sunday

Well today I wasn't able to go to church...reason: the lady who was going to give us a lift gave me a wrong number..ooops so couldn't reach her...I really wanted to go because it was a regional celebration...oh well...
I'm so glad that I found a church here that I really like and where I feel so close to God...and i'm so challenged by what is said there...every week there is something that hits me...I'll soon be leaving and I'll be so so sad to leave this awesome church...I'll be moving on at Reading Family church, no longer as the student but as the mum!! Or maybe a mixture of both hehe!! I've got this year broadly planned out but thinking further than that is soo scary because I don't know what is going to happen, but at the same time I smile because I know that the Lord has got everything planned out for me...The scary thing involves Zarah...thinking of where I need to put her name down for school!! I haven't got a clue where i'll be when I finish uni...will I be going to America or will i be going back to mums, I haven't got a clue...but choosing a school is something really important and it's very scary.
I see why it's probably better not to have a child when you're at uni hehe

38/365

Looking at Zarah and seeing how much she's grown...she's starting to say proper sentences!!

Watching the World cup final...breathtaking stuff...feeling my heart race at the penalty shots...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

37/365

Getting zarah ready for her first birthday party...making her look really pretty :) (I like doing that)

Taking her to the party and watching her play in the soft play thingy with all the balls and slides...

Her wanting me to play with her, so yay I got to go down the slide into the balls hehe...

36/365

Packing my stuff in London, well not a great thing...but finding stuff that people gave to me back when I was younger lol...old love letters...old friend letters(people wrote a lot of letters in Mauritius)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

35/365

Having a laugh with my mum about the replacement suitcase I got from the airline people (they broke my suitcase when i went to Marseille)...it was huge lol!! Mum was like, what we going to do with such a big suitcase!!!

Going to Ikea and buying stuff for my flat :) yay can't wait to start decorating properly!!!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

34/365

Buying a birthday present for Zarah's first party (that shes been invited to)...feeling like a mum hehe...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

33/365

Talking to my gran and just annoying her hehe...I bet she missed me annoying her!!! Was cool...she was asking me whether I needed anything for my flat...me asking her to give me everything nice that she has...like her mirror...but hey its a nice mirror!!!

32/365

Watching Zarah learn new words...just wathing her grow!!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

31/365

Being encouraged by the what the preacher at church had said...the smile I had at the end...I love church!!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

30/365

Getting to chat to Calvin after weeks of silence...was starting to get worried...still slightly annoyed by the fact that he hasn't really put much effort into contacting me but oh well!!! "He's busy"...but was nice talking to him briefly (he had to rush off tut tut)

29/365

Laughing and joking with Ceryn for the last time in Sherfield...Seeing Ceryn off...Watching her leave thinking i know i'll see her again :)

Seeing how far we've all come and praising the Lord for all the great things He has done this year...